While visiting a mental asylum, a relative of a patient asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
      "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
      "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
      "No," said the director.  "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a room with or without a view?            

      Many of us try to change our lives and relationships piecemeal without going to the source. As we approach Valentine's Day we wish we were with a true beloved, or we wish that our current relationship were better. We may try to make ourselves more attractive or we may try to pressure our partner to be more like the person we think they should be.

     Not.

     You will not become more attractive by making cosmetic changes, and you will not create a better relationship by getting your partner to change.  Cosmetic changes are like rearranging chairs on the deck of a sinking ship, and trying to get your partner to change is like, well, good luck. . .

     The way to become more attractive has little to do with behavior and a lot to do with attitude. If you believe you are broken and need fixing, or you are half and you need another half, you will never succeed because you began with a false premise. Fall in love with yourself, and you establish a platform that is rock solid.  When you trust who you are, people will fall in love with you because love is such a rare commodity in this world, and everyone is yearning for it.    

      In one of my favorite movies, Don Juan de Marco, a young man believes he is Don Juan, the world's greatest lover. He is committed to a mental institution as delusional, and a veteran psychiatrist is assigned to his case. The psychiatrist, by contrast, is bored and passionless, romance long gone from his marriage and his life. As the patient and doctor develop their relationship we see that the patient, who is supposedly crazy, is far closer to joy and celebration than the doctor. Before long the roles of patient and doctor become reversed, and Don Juan goes about the business of healing the doctor.

    In one poignant scene Don Juan tells the doctor, "There are only four questions worth asking: 'What is worth living for? What is worth dying for?  Of what is the spirit made?' The answer to all of them is the same:  Love.

     This month, this Valentine's Day, I wish for you to discover the love you seek. In your partner's arms, perhaps, but in your own arms, for sure.

 

"It's all a big love contest, and I never lose."

- Hafiz

      

Alan

 

Building Great Relationships

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Q & A:

 

From the "Ask Alan" section on our web site:

 

 

Friendship Before Sex? 

I am a 40-year-old woman who would like to be married, but only if the friendship rather than sexual intimacy is the foundation of the relationship. The 'normal ' in our culture seems to be a surface game to get to physical intimacy quick, especially on the side of the guy.  What I envision is a relationship where my best friend later becomes the intimate partner. Maybe that sounds old-fashioned, but I believe some old-fashioned ideas are based on accurate models for how the heart and soul are best developed. What is a your view on the topic?

Click here for Alan's response

 

 

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