Life Coach Training
Lesson 7
Validation
Before reading this lesson, please watch the 16-minute video Validation.
Hugh Newman demonstrates a skill that will support you immeasurably in your coaching practice and your life: Validation. Hugh simply focused on the best qualities in the people he encountered, and highlighted for them the good they already owned. Hugh did not lie or flatter; he simply noticed their strengths and drew them forth. In so doing, he reminded people of their true beauty, and helped them restore their identity of greatness.
Most people suffer from low self-esteem or lack of belief in themselves. They have been criticized, judged, and emotionally or psychically battered by others, and then they internalized a negative self image. They may believe they are weird, crazy, or selfish for their feelings, dreams, and desires. When you give them credit for the power they already own, you help them undo the negative beliefs that stand between them and the fulfillment of their goals.
Dr. Nelson Decker was a chiropractor who studied with a Native American shaman. One day a disheveled homeless man walked into Dr. Decker’s office on the New Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge, and asked Dr. Decker for treatment. The man had no money and the doctor was put off by his appearance, and he was tempted to refuse him. Then Dr. Decker remembered advice his mentor gave him: “Always find at least one thing you like about everyone.”
Dr. Decker scanned the fellow and noticed that his shoes were tied neatly. This appreciation gave the doctor a bit of an opening to connect with the fellow, and he went on to give him time, care, and a positive treatment.
A few days later the fellow returned, looking neater and happier. “I came back to thank you for helping me,” the fellow told the doctor. “I had been wandering the streets of New York City until I felt so desperate I went to the bridge to jump. At the last minute an inner voice told me, “Give life one more chance.” So I decided to walk across the bridge and ask someone for help. If they helped me, I figured it would be a sign to live. If not, I would return and jump. You gave me your kind attention and treatment, and that was a turning point for me.”
Dr. Decker’s validation of this fellow was silent, but in your practice you can make it verbal. After a client explains his or her issue to you, begin your response with some acknowledgement of a strength or beauty you can see that he or she may not be aware of. For example:
“I understand why you are feeling that way. I imagine that anyone who went through an experience like that would feel the same way.”
“I know you are upset about your argument with your husband, but I think you were very courageous to speak your truth.”
“You are looking really bright and clear today. I fell uplifted by your smile and tone of your voice.”
The gift of validation is something you can practice and offer all day long. Waitresses, bank tellers, and appliance repair people will light up with the smallest compliment, not to mention your spouse, kids, and parents. And don’t forget to validate yourself as you go! The more validated you feel, the more validation you have to offer.
Exercise:
1. Begin every encounter and meeting with a validation. Find one thing you like about every person with whom you interact, and acknowledge him or her for it.
2. Make a self-validation list. What can you give yourself credit for that you might have been overlooking?