Life Coach Training

Lesson 18

Dealing with Resistance

      At our retreat we affirmed that we would attract only willing, non-resistant clients. And this will be so.  Yet you may have moments, even with willing clients, where a current of resistance presents itself. Here are some tips on how to deal with it:

1. Let your client speak his piece and/or vent if necessary. Give him space to express himself. If you react emotionally and try to stop him, argue, or immediately explain why he is off base, you will just fuel the fire. Sometimes letting off steam is the first step to opening to a healing path and moving in a more positive direction.

2. Reflect back to the client what you heard her say, so she knows that she has been listened to. “Wow, you are really angry at your boss, and you don’t see any other option but to retaliate.”  Or  “Your daughter won’t move out and support herself, and you are completely frustrated.”  Or  “I’m hearing that you are disappointed that you haven’t made more progress in coaching thus far.”  When your client feels heard and acknowledged, he may lighten up and be willing to see and explore more healthy options.

3. Reflect back to the client behaviors that might be a sign of resistance, of which the client may be unaware. “You’ve been [late to your sessions] [cancelled]  three times now. Is there anything going on that you are having a hard time with that may be uncomfortable to look at?”  Or  “You’ve had the same situation going on with your last three jobs. Do you see any connection between what’s going on out there and what’s happening inside of you?”

4. Dealing with “Yes, but. . . ”s:  “I’ve made three suggestions for reframes on your situation that could help you feel freer and move beyond what is troubling you, and you’ve answered “Yes, but. . . “ to each of them.  Are you really ready or willing to get beyond this?”

5. Illuminate cost and payoff. “What do you think is the payoff for you continuing to feud with your ex-?  What is the cost?  What would be the payoff of harmonizing?  What would be the cost?”

6. Direct approach:  “I have been working with you on this for _______ length of time now, and it sounds to me like you have a pretty strong investment, for whatever reason, in this situation continuing. Is there any way you can see yourself shifting on this?  I hope you will. If not, let’s not talk about this anymore, and let’s turn our attention to issues you’d rather make progress on.” You may even tell the client that you do not see anything more you can do for her at this point, and if she wants to continue coaching, you will need to see some movement.

7. Tune into your intuition. The above suggestions may all work in different situations, yet every coaching situation is unique. If you sincerely ask inside yourself, you will receive guidance as to how to deal with a particular form or moment of resistance.  Sometimes you may need to be gentle and soft, and other situations may require a firmer stand or compassionate confrontation. Set your intention that your sessions will be resistance free, and if any instances of resistance come up, you will know how to deal with them and move on.

8.  Check in with yourself as to what beliefs, feelings, attitudes, or expectations within yourself that your client may be reflecting. Are you worried about having a resistant client?  Do you question your ability as a coach?  Do you have judgments about something that the client is reflecting?  Why have you attracted this person or this moment with this person into your experience?  The clearer you get about your intentions, your purpose, and your confidence, the clearer your clients will get about the situations and energies they bring to your practice.

9. Sometimes resistant clients can become your biggest success stories. At the first retreat I presented, a woman bucked me and the program at every turn. On the last day of the program something clicked for her and she came to me with a big smile and proclaimed “I finally got it!”  Her healing and transformation were as powerful as her resistance had been. She ultimately came to many more programs and was a “star student.” 

Exercise:

1.       Are you dealing with any resistant clients or moments of resistance in your practice?  Which of the above tips might be most helpful to apply to get beyond the resistance and achieve better results?

2.       What forms of resistance are you concerned about facing?

3.       Regarding questions 1 and 2 above, what does your intuition tell you about how to handle such resistance?

4.       How might a resistant client or resistant situation be reflecting something going on inside of you?

Affirm:

 I attract and work with clients who are eager, willing, and ready to grow and change for the better.