Life Coach Training

Lesson 30

Graduation Day

“Great is the art of beginning. Even greater is the art of ending.”

                                                                                                                ― Longfellow

      When is it appropriate to complete a coaching relationship?  This can be a difficult moment to determine and deal with. Some coaches, therapists, and clients handle this well. Some don’t.  Let’s look at how to finish a coaching relationship with dignity, grace,  and in a way that everyone wins.

      Some coaching relationships are brief, such as a one-time coaching session. While such relationships can certainly be helpful and in some cases are appropriate, a longer term relationship is generally more beneficial to a client. Over time you can get to know a client well; develop a space of trust and support; gain insight into her strengths and empower her by underscoring them to her; and you can observe patterns in the client’s behavior that you can call to her attention to help her be more self-aware and improve her life.

      There are two ways that longer term relationships occur: (1) Coach and client agree to a fixed number of meetings, let’s say 4,6,8, or 10 over a period of months; or (2) The coach connects with the client whenever the client wishes. If you are deciding how to structure your practice, I suggest you initially set up a fixed number of meetings, and then, if the client wishes to continue, make it up as you go along.

      If you set up a fixed number of meetings, the ending of the relationship is clear. You may in fact find that the approaching end of the term accelerates your client’s progress. (Studies show that the most work in any project occurs at the beginning of the project and at the end of the project. Beginnings and endings have a way of stimulating energy and action.) When the end of your agree-upon term comes, you can both talk about your feelings about completion, assess progress, and set goals to be accomplished before the completion of coaching and afterward. Using a fixed number of meetings format makes the completion process a lot easier, and actually enhances it.

      If you do not have a fixed ending, both of you have to decide when you are complete for now. Here are several ways that might happen:

1.      The client stops making appointments. 

2.      The client informs you that he feels like he is complete and he is ready to move on.

3.      You sense the client is complete for now and you encourage her to move on.

4.      You feel bored with your sessions and you sense the client might be bored too.

5.      Your client creates some kind of drama that prevents her from continuing, or he creates a drama around you, making you wrong or blaming you.  Or you create a drama to make the client wrong.

    Obviously items 2 and 3 are the healthiest ways to complete a coaching relationship. Items 1, 4, and 5 indicate that the client and/or you have not stepped into responsibility for conscious completion. Some people do not know how to say goodbye, or they don’t know how to leave with love, so they need to create a drama to justify it.  (Don’t worry about facing this scenario. It is the exception, but you should be aware of the dynamic should it occur.)

        When the time for completion comes, you may have your own feelings or resistance to it. Many therapists, organizations, and cults try hold onto clients long past their graduation date.  There are several reasons this happens: the therapist fears losing the client’s business or acknowledgment; the therapist feels she has failed; the therapist needs to be needed; or the organization has an institutional ego and needs to perpetuate itself rather than serve clients.  If you notice feelings of fear or disappointment when a client informs you he is leaving, or you are inclined to try to hold on to him, look inside yourself to find out what is attaching you to them. If you introspect with clear and pure intention, this can be a fabulous growth process for you.

        Dysfunctional organizations or private practices do not have graduation mechanisms. They tell clients that they are so broken or sinful that they need to stay in the organization for a lifetime or lifetimes. Or the organization sets up endless tiers of hierarchical “advancement” so that the moment the client thinks she is getting somewhere, there is another level she must master to really get somewhere. Or the organization sets up a system or ranks and accolades so that advanced members get kudos and titles that bolster their egos and cast them as superior to neophytes. Yet no one in such an organization really wins, since no one is ever defined as whole or complete now, and no matter what you attain, there is always another carrot dangling at the end of a stick just beyond where you now stand.

      Healthy organizations and practices celebrate their clients’ wholeness and ability to live a happy life with or without the organization or coach.  Good teachers encourage students to fly on their own. Here is a mature and healthy response to a student who finishes a course or informs a coach she is leaving: “Thank you for the time we have spent together. It has been an honor to work with you. I am so pleased with the growth you have experienced, and I am certain that you will go on to put all of the principles we have covered into practice in ways that will bring you great fulfillment and success.” You might then go on to acknowledge the client for specific positive achievements and stretches toward personal growth.

      The purpose of coaching, like therapy, is to empower to client to live her own life richly and independently. If a client is dependent on the coach or therapist to make decisions or stay happy, the coaching has not been fully successful. Any relationship that fosters dependence is not an empowered relationship. Graduation, then, is a happy day for both coach and therapist. Both of your lives are enriched for your interaction, and the world is a better place. What more blessed experience could you have?